Thursday, April 3, 2008

Climatoligists issue novel solution to global warming

New York-- Fed up with the lack of success of previous pleas for the public to "conserve," climatologists have taken another route. Their new plan, unveiled Thursday, urges people all across the globe to kill themselves.

"The problem with traditional conservation methods is that although people might apply them for a week or so, after a while they grow tired of saving energy and revert back to their old habits," Dr. Juhanzur of Bates College explains.

The new report has not come without controversy, and some global warming activists have expressed criticism. Nobel prize winner Al Gore noted that although the report was a step in the right direction, without government intervention it would not be effective. "People aren't just going to kill themselves on their own. There need to be quotas and incentives."

Gore's proposal includes a temporary legalization of suicide. However, it comes with the caveat that the death has to be for the explicit purposes of fighting global warming. Already, there has been some worry that people will use the injunction to commit suicide for "the wrong reasons," such as failed romances or windfall financial losses. It is speculated that there will be judicial reviews to ensure that the intentions of the deceased were indeed legitimate.

Another controversial aspect of the report is that it urges poor people in particular to kill themselves. Their argument is that poor people will be less likely to have friends rich enough to fly out to their funeral. "Plus," Dr. Juhanzur adds, "Poor people can't afford to buy hybrid cars, which we all know have the best chance of saving the environment."

One of the charts included in their report showed why suicide was the most optimal way for people to reduce their carbon stamp. Although other options such as tactically nuking certain cities were considered, they were judged to be too morbid. Dr. Juhanzar quipped, "What, do you people think that all we care about is the atmosphere? Come on."